Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
