the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
