We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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