Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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