So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
