I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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