Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize