I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.