i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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