Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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