you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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