I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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