I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
