Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
