I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
