Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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