I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
