did you get engaged???
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
