you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
