My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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