i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
