so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
