I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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