Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
