my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
