you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
