He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
