fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
