Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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