I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
