hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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