You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There are leaves in my underwear?
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