When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There r osticjed everywhere
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
