How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
