all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
