Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
