I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
