I am puke
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
