I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
