Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Less talking, more tequila
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
