Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
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Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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