I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
