new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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