It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
