Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
