Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
