if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
