oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
