All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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