I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
