Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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