Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
