im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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