I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
