and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
