He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
